Ten Things #1

Welcome to Ten Things, the latest ongoing idea that we hope to incorporate as a regular feature into our site.  For those of you that might not listen to the podcast (shame on you!), we debuted the concept there, but ended up deciding that it would work out better as a column idea, so here we are!  Each week, Elaine and I will present a new list, and we want to hear your ideas!  If there’s something you’d like to see picked apart in one-through-ten form, reply to the column or shoot one of us an email.  This week: Ten Things That Drive Me Crazy About JRPGs!

Having (almost) finished Star Ocean this week, I found myself hacking through some of the post-game content and realizing that while I love the genre–perhaps a little too much–there are definitely a few things that get on my nerves.

1. Games that require a guide

I use strategy guides for pretty much everything.  If that makes me less of a player in someone’s eyes, that someone is cordially invited to go straight to hell.  However, when the game has content that absolutely cannot be accessed without a guide of some sort, that makes even me annoyed, because at that point, you’re excluding the portion of your audience that doesn’t want to shell out the fifteen or twenty extra bucks.  My stock example for this is Final Fantasy XII, where there’s a completely badass spear that you don’t get unless you DON’T open four specific treasure chests throughout the game.  There’s nothing special about these chests, nor is there any particular clue stating that you shouldn’t hit that.  You just have to KNOW, somehow.  That’s dumb.

2. Cutscenes that are a little too epic

I’ve never really understood people that don’t watch the cutscenes in JRPGs at all; the story is a major part of the appeal, to my thinking, and being annoyed that they’re there at all seems a little silly.  However, when I have to turn my controller back on not once but TWICE due to the length of the scene (and yes, this did actually happen at the end of Star Ocean), it’s a bit excessive.  Related to this, if I can’t pause it or skip it the second time around (if it happens to come before a boss fight or something else that I have to repeat), that’s just as annoying.

3. Enemies that make their own rules

Part of the reason to level one’s party or to strive for specific equipment in a JRPG is, logically, to ensure that battles and advancement are easier, or at least that certain factors can be controlled.  So when, for no reason whatsoever, those hard-earned bonuses suddently cease to function, it’s really aggravating.  In Star Ocean, for the entire game, I’ve had one equipment slot taken up by an accessory that prevents my party from being on the receiving end of surprise attacks.  In addition, my main character has a skill, fully leveled, that prevents him from being knocked down from enemy attacks.  In the dungeon I’m currently exploring, for no reason that I can determine, neither of these things function.  It’s infuriating.

4. Horrible voice acting

When this convention is reversed, it’s a glorious sight.  Or sound, rather.

5. Stupid, suicidal enemies

Okay.  Enemies?  I have a suggestion.  When I am level 90-something and you are level 20-something, please do not attack me.  I’m not going to get anything out of killing you, but if you force my hand, you are going to be very dead and I am just going to get annoyed.  So if you stay out of my way, I’ll let you live.  Okay?  Okay.

6. Backtracking for no particular reason

This is related to #5 above, because they often occur in sync; if a quest requires me to go back to an area or dungeon that I’ve been to before, be it recently or much earlier, having SOMETHING be different would be great.  If I’m forced to fight my way through rabid mice to get my ultimate weapon, that just seems unnecessary.  Also, having to fight my way out of a dungeon when I’ve just fought my way in and cleared the boss out is a sure way to make me annoyed.  I just killed your master, bitches!  Show some respect and step off before I smack you with my sword!

7. Grinding

I don’t even have a problem with leveling, as long as you give me something to do while it’s going on…. side quests?  Something?  I just don’t want to run around in circles killing the same five things over and over again until I get enough XP to go on.  Makes me feel like I’m back in Azeroth.

8. Men who look like women

This gives me the opportunity to play my favorite game, “Is That A Dude?,” but seriously, Japan.  I’m not saying he has to be uber-manly or anything, just don’t make me look up my protagonist’s skirt to find out what the deal is, okay?

9. Women who can’t fight

Quick, name five female JRPG characters who actually engage in hand-to-hand combat as their main attack.  I’ve got… Tifa…. and Rikku, I guess…. ummmmmm….. yeah.  Women are, almost invariably, cast as archers/projectile users or mages in JRPGs.  This isn’t to say that they’re any less badass, in general, but they do tend to play a more “support” oriented role.  I’ll be interested to see how FFXIII handles this, with its lead being female…. you know, if it ever actually comes out.  Sigh.

10. Save points (and the lack thereof)

This is actually sort of hit-or-miss.  In some games, you can hardly turn around without tripping over a save point, while with others, if you have the bad fortune to die, you’re going to be going back for hours.  There’s got to be a better way to handle this, don’t you think?

Of course, given my preference for JRPGs as a genre, even though I’ve got ten things to rant about, there are obviously MORE than ten things that I love about them.  Otherwise, I wouldn’t be playing them as often as I do.  There are always going to be those little quirks, though, and those are much more fun to rant about.